Me on a reality show

So heres a story. Some one that Jackie (my girl friend) works with at her job (there not at her office, she has to work with him throw the company he works at) was talking about a bar that has game night for nerdy singles. Jackie said that sounds like fun, to bad she couldn't go because shes not single. He said thats no problem, bring your boy friend (me) and just pretend your not dating.

So we went, because we love playing board games. At this place there was a women from a reality show, she was a casting agent, on VH1. Its going to be a show were theres a house full of shy nerdy guys who get taught how to talk to people (mainly girls) and she said i should audition. So this thursday i have an audition, and i cant wait.

Also there was a lady from the red eye. She stopped me and talked to me for a little bit. I thought she was interviewing me for an article. She was actually very pretty so i didn't mind chatting for a while, and since im dating someone and this was for an article, i got to vent about being me. Well she took down my information, and left by saying, "ill call you some time and maybe we could hang out"
Im still unsure if she was interviewing me or if she wanted to get to know me for her self. I guess i will find out if she calls me.

"he's actually smart"

Have you ever noticed, that when someone says something like "I am actually really smart" or "They are actually smart" you tend to believe them, no matter what you were first inclined to think about said person. Its a weird thing. People lie all the time and we don't believe them. They might say "I have a lot friends" and we could look at them and go "You know, i don't think really have many friends, and the fact that they are lying about this makes me wonder if they have any friends at all?" But something about proclaiming intelligence we accept hole heartedly.

Maybe this comes from our own insecurities. Everyone who is intelligent (and understand, its sad but true, not everyone is intelligent) usually has a specific way they are intelligent. This leads them to worry about the areas in which their brain just doesn't seem to work as well in. I mean, the fact is that being intelligent in one area automatically allows you to recognize were not intelligent. But then again, having intelligence usually allows you to have a basic understanding of this area to fake your way throw, or push your self to improve and eventually learn about and improve upon your week areas.

I myself have uttered this self affirmation to others. It has always been to strangers or new maybe friends, at a time when my intelligence might be in question, or when my self deprecating social anxiety thinks it is in question. It is followed by past experiences that proves my intelligence, my SAT score (1452) the fact that participated in a gifted youth competition (winning the north east chapter) or sometimes if i want to go deep enough, when i feel truly threaten, the fact that my grand father, two uncles and myself have all had to see specialist because of a mental break down that was caused by "hyper analyses" that is commonly found with people that have high IQs. I say none of this to brag, but to defend. The funny thing is that i here this from almost everyone, who doesn't want to defend their intelligence.

So just remember, people lie, a lot of people lie, and we don't have to believe them. The next time you here those fateful words "actually smart" stop and think about it, how are they smart? What do they have that proves this? Even if there is something to prove it, do they still have their intelligence? Because it easily diminishes.

Notes from the (modern american working) underground

"Stephanie is usually looking for pain. It is the reason for her past five break ups. On the last break up she realized that pain isn't worth it. Although it hurts for the week she feels alone, the week weight weighs more, the week she realizes she stopped waring make up and no one paid her any attention because of it and their shallow subconsciousness, she also realizes that its all made up for when the new guy comes around and she is showered with attention and feels important and not so small. Her pain is now lost and seemed so artificial.
Stephanie tried all the typical, modern advancements in self inflicting pain. She stopped waring her heels the day her pinky toe started to bleed. She has the letters T and L tattooed on her lower back and is to nervous to go get it graded off. Her eyebrows have been bushy ever since plucking them started to make her eyes water. Her nails are only ever clipped and never filed. And she only ever uses moose in her hair because when she used hairspray she forgot and went to run her fingers through her hair pulling a little of it out. The fact is she is desperate for pain, craves it, thinks about it all day, but she is squeamish. Blood makes her faint and being cut, scratched, hit, is all to intense. It happens so fast and leaves so fast. She wants something that sustains, something to last all day and is out of the view of others.
Stephanie bought glasses. Basic black frames that go well with most outfits. The prescription is strong. The thing is she doesn't need glasses, her eye sight is as good as eye sight can be. She spends all day walking around, trying to make out the blurs. She loves the head aches, they start 10 minutes after she puts them on and 3 hours after she takes them off. At work she looks over the rim to her computer screen occasionally trying to do it through the glasses to get back that high. She will sometimes bang into a chair or a railing, and the throbbing will be an added bonus with the migraine. She started to loose interests in what she was doing. She would day dream about the slow, lulling pain. No one noticed her pain, and she loved that. She became disinterested in other people and they slowly began to ignore her. She was left to her self, not alone though, she had her pain, her lull, her reason to repeat. "